It is with deep regret that
www.shop.com/advancedlife , must withdraw our official cooperation with the Atari400 Planet Mule tournament. This unfortunate news is due to the fact that the titular head of the tournament has become embroiled in yet another scandal. Details remain sketchy but are below:
Late last evening Atari was playing a match with Muzzer, Jagov808 and Lenin. It has been reported that despite having almost all of the tite and connected land on the much vaunted left side, muzzer was unable to crawl out of deep last place (he had money to install crystite mules on his crystite rich land, but he thought it would be more beneficial to him to keep the land barren, an interesting strategy that will require much more thought to work effectively). In the late middle game a land auction came up, Jagov had over $6000, Muzzer had around $1500, Atari had about $2500, and Lenin barely had bus fare. The bids started at $450. Lenin understandably was stuck at the start line unable to move. The other three though curiously were also static. Jagov knew that Atari and Muzzer simply didn't have the legs to run a race and through a well timed run was able to purchase the land for about $1100. Perhaps Atari and Muzzer had some arithmetic issues and felt they could pick up subsequent land if the first went cheap enough. Indeed, if there were a half dozen auctions that round, that line of thinking would have been quite reasonable.
The affordable land purchase started to anger Muzzer, who now believed he was going to lose the game because Atari did not move quick enough to raise the price. He than began to rant for about 5 minutes. He just couldn't accept such a cheap land auction. He oscillated between believing Atari was 'stupid' or 'cheating'. Ironic in a number of ways, first I don't think anyone has ever accused Muzzer of being the sharpest knife in the drawer (friends that knew him in high school were interviewed and offered this quote 'he was always one sandwich short of a full picnic', second he too 'colluded' in keeping the price of land low since the final price was 100s below his paltry sum of cash.
Despite his annoyance, Muzzer bravely carried on for another round, he dumped all of his surplus energy on to the last place person, Lenin, because Jagov who still had a large amount of money needed to pay a premium for that energy. It is not known with certainty if Muzzer dumped the energy out of spite, or if this was part of his strategy in conjunction with the barren land to produce some innovative results. Strangely this preordained act was not of as cheating despite its possibility to skew the end results and was clearly an uneconomic move. The next round began, Muzzer tried to install another mule, but it was no good, the poor boy just didn't have it in him anymore to continue, he freed that mule into the wilderness and then after about 60 seconds more contemplation decided the best thing to do would be quit and announce regret that he had chosen to play with Atari.
As you can imagine all of this took quite a strain on Atari, who as a result had to relieve his bladder at break since holding it in another 10 minutes would have simply been inhumane. In accordance with Mule etiquette he announced his break a millisecond before taking it. This gave Jagov and Lenin time to mourn the loss of fellow player Muzzer who was really breaking new ground on Mule strategy with his play. After Atari took care of his natural needs he returned to the game and asked everyone if they were ready. Jagov replies 'ok', Lenin replied with 'rdy'
It is at this time another controversy erupts, as Lenin states Atari started the game during the typing of 'rdy' With Muzzer out of the picture the lag disappeared and land selection was swift as a result of Atari's premature start Lenin does not get any land. Lenin is furious. Despite the fact that he was down on ore to his chief rival both in inventory and potential production, prior to a huge spike he is convinced he will win. Perhaps because unlike Muzzer he had managed to successfully install a few crystite mules. Lenin quickly blames Atari for starting too soon and quits.
Atari, plays another 0.75 of the round and then types Bot:restart, essentially being the 3rd player to quit, depriving Jagov of his win despite only needing 2 more rounds to finish. While Atari would have struggled to stay ahead of Muzzer and finish 3rd (now that the AI had taken over and reversed Muzzer's strategy of non-development and that Atari was somehow de-developing his land) perhaps it would have shown some character. Despite Atari being the leading cause for 50% of the players quitting, one could argue that taken in isolation his transgressions were minor, not to be compounded by the final act of quitting himself.
When questioned about the restart Atari took different explanations, perhaps believing that at least one of the reasons might have some validity. First, he claims to have unilaterally decided to restart the game because Muzzer called him a cheat and it hurt his feelings. He claims the restart was done to protest those unfair charges. One would wonder then why he went to the washroom, returned and kept the game going for another round wait for another to quit and then restart. Perhaps clearing his bladder left some energy for him to later process his emotional pain? The second reason given was that it had nothing to do with Muzzer but that Atari had felt bad in ruining Lenin's chance at victory by robbing him of land selection and the only way he could make it up to Lenin was to restart the game; thinking Lenin would have eagerly jumped on the chance to replay Atari for another 1.5 hours despite it being past 1 am and needing to work the next day.
After causing half the field to leave and then unilaterally cancelling the game, it appears that despite having some 'great' ideas like delivering t-shirts to the winner of his theoretical tournament, he is unsuitable to be the lead point man on such a large undertaking.
Once again
www.shop.com/advancedlife would like to apologize on behalf of all those looking forward to this year's tournament.
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